I know at some point or another everyone questions the meaning of life. Lately, that is what I find myself doing.
Sometimes I just really wonder, “Why am I here?”
Yes, I’m someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, and someone’s friend (although I am slowly finding out that I must use the term “friend” very sparingly). However, I haven’t really accomplished much in life. And I wonder if I ever will- I’ve certainly felt like I never will over the past few months more times than I ever wish to admit. Seriously, if I met my sixteen-year-old self today, she’d probably wonder why she’s such a loser.
And I do feel that way a lot.
I’m only a few years away from being 30, and I don’t feel like I have much to show for my life. Sometimes the only thing I think I do have is far too much debt from school- and what I paid for something I am not even sure I want to do anymore. Or that I’m even good at it.
Right now, I have no boyfriend, and no kids. If you’d asked me five or six years ago, I know I would have thought that I’d have a husband, two kids, and an actual career. Instead, I feel like I’m just floating. And I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone.
Sometimes I admit I get depressed about my life, because I feel like I don’t have a purpose in living. I know it’s dumb to want to do things just because of another person, but sometimes I wonder if I had a child or something if I would feel like I had a true purpose in life.
Whenever I think along these lines, I’m reminded of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where a guardian angel shows a suicidal man what his life really meant to those around him. I’m not sure I really know what my life would mean to someone else. One of the lines from that film which always sticks with me is: “You’re worth more dead than alive.” Sometimes that’s exactly how I feel- not that I’m worth very much either way, let’s be honest. The only asset I have is my car, and that’s from 2002.
I do wonder what the world would be like without me in it. Yes, I’ve had some suicidal thoughts over the past few months when I truly felt despondent over my life that I thought was meaningless and awful. But I couldn’t do that, I don’t think. I’ve been to too many funerals for young people in the past few years.
Maybe my life is meaningless, and maybe I don’t have any great purpose. I know I’m a good person, sometimes I feel stupid and sometimes I don’t do the right thing but I always try.
I’m still questioning what life’s purpose is- and maybe no one really has that answer. Perhaps we create out own purpose in life, and it’s not just up to fate.