Lost

Lost By Carl Sandburg

Desolate and lone
All night long on the lake
Where fog trails and mist creeps,
The whistle of a boat
Calls and cries unendingly,
Like some lost child
In tears and trouble
Hunting the harbor’s breast
And the harbor’s eyes.

Disappear.

Sometimes, I think about disappearing. not dying or committing suicide, no nothing like that, just simply vanishing for awhile. Like into thin air, without leaving a trace- something I recognize is nearly impossible in this day and age, what with all of the social media sites we use each day and that your credit card activities would be easily detected. Making someone far easier to find- far too easy to leave behind a footprint though digitally now.

Sometimes I think that might be nice. Just vanish for as long as I want, no consequences or worries. That would be impossible for my family and friends not to worry though. My mother worries about me crossing the street and getting hit by a car.

Your Life’s Purpose.

I know at some point or another everyone questions the meaning of life. Lately, that is what I find myself doing.

Sometimes I just really wonder, “Why am I here?”

Yes, I’m someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, and someone’s friend (although I am slowly finding out that I must use the term “friend” very sparingly). However, I haven’t really accomplished much in life. And I wonder if I ever will- I’ve certainly felt like I never will over the past few months more times than I ever wish to admit. Seriously, if I met my sixteen-year-old self today, she’d probably wonder why she’s such a loser.

And I do feel that way a lot.

I’m only a few years away from being 30, and I don’t feel like I have much to show for my life. Sometimes the only thing I think I do have is far too much debt from school- and what I paid for something I am not even sure I want to do anymore. Or that I’m even good at it.

Right now, I have no boyfriend, and no kids. If you’d asked me five or six years ago, I know I would have thought that I’d have a husband, two kids, and an actual career. Instead, I feel like I’m just floating. And I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone.

Sometimes I admit I get depressed about my life, because I feel like I don’t have a purpose in living. I know it’s dumb to want to do things just because of another person, but sometimes I wonder if I had a child or something if I would feel like I had a true purpose in life.

Whenever I think along these lines, I’m reminded of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where a guardian angel shows a suicidal man what his life really meant to those around him. I’m not sure I really know what my life would mean to someone else. One of the lines from that film which always sticks with me is: “You’re worth more dead than alive.” Sometimes that’s exactly how I feel- not that I’m worth very much either way, let’s be honest. The only asset I have is my car, and that’s from 2002.

I do wonder what the world would be like without me in it. Yes, I’ve had some suicidal thoughts over the past few months when I truly felt despondent over my life that I thought was meaningless and awful. But I couldn’t do that, I don’t think. I’ve been to too many funerals for young people in the past few years.

Maybe my life is meaningless, and maybe I don’t have any great purpose. I know I’m a good person, sometimes I feel stupid and sometimes I don’t do the right thing but I always try.

I’m still questioning what life’s purpose is- and maybe no one really has that answer. Perhaps we create out own purpose in life, and it’s not just up to fate.

Goals

I cannot change the past, but I will not be defined by my past. Instead, I will strive to keep moving forward and just do better. Those will be my goals for the long-term.

Housewife Quiz.

Which “Real Housewife” Are You?anigif_9e960dc1f26b8da6359e342f99cebef3-7

You got: Bethenny Frankel
It’s not hard to peg why you are one of the most likable characters in the franchise: You’re honest (even when it hurts), vulnerable (even when it’s hard), and extremely ambitious (even when odds were way stacked against you). No one is safe from your verbal ammunition, but you’re just trying to keep it 110% real.

Bravo / Via fromthemotionpicture.tumblr.com

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/which-real-housewives-housewife-are-you#.en0AAejZ8

Kind of surprised by this result, but I’d love to have her money and business success.

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said,
“We are not,
We are not shining stars.”
This I know,
I never said we are

Though I’ve never been through hell like that
I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75.
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives.

But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I’ve been cheated on.
And it’s nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets,
I am not the ghost you are to me.

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Whoa!
My head is on fire but my legs are fine.
After all they are mine.
Lay your clothes down on the floor,
Close the door, hold the phone,
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us now.

‘Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh.

(No one’s ever gonna stop us now)
(No one’s ever, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop us now)
(No one’s ever, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop us now)