Marriage.

It always sucks to hear that your ex is getting married- and while you’re still nowhere near marriage or even living with anyone.

I know that my ex-boyfriend from college is getting married, and while I have not had romantic feelings of any kind for him in years (actually, I don’t really think of him any way, except with general indifference) it still is kind of painful to hear. I don’t know why that is.

This is the same guy after all, who broke up with me in a text message after nearly five years together. He also refused to even speak about moving to New York, where I grew up, and insisted that we live in his parent’s attic in Boston rather than actually on our own. So weird, right? But he did whatever his mother said to do- and he was not allowed to move out of state because mommy did not approve and wanted to have control over everything in his life, including who he dated/married.

It’s like that scene from “When Harry Met Sally” where Meg Ryan’s character gets a phone call that her ex is getting married. She did not want him, nor was she in love with him anymore, but at the same time that news was still painful to receive. I guess that is how it is with me.

I don’t want the guy. Haven’t for years. I’ve been with much better-looking guys in the years since we broke up and had much better lovers since then too… haha. Still, when I’m nowhere near getting married or dating anyone hearing that just seems like a minor blow.

In the past two years, I’ve kind of written off ever getting married or even being serious with someone again. I have some serious trust issues, especially with men. I haven’t met anyone I am even interested in. I dated my last ex boyfriend for nearly three years, and though I don’t think I was ever head over heels in love with him now, I did think that was going to be more serious. However, he like my other ex did not ever want to move on with his life- or maybe he just did not want to spend it with me.

I’ve always thought that there were things wrong with me. Like maybe I have some sort of personality disorder, or something that made me fail at relationships. Now I just think I’m sort of normal. Who doesn’t have issues in relationships? Every single woman in the world is looking for the same thing.

I’m just not sure I will find it ever.

Lost

Lost By Carl Sandburg

Desolate and lone
All night long on the lake
Where fog trails and mist creeps,
The whistle of a boat
Calls and cries unendingly,
Like some lost child
In tears and trouble
Hunting the harbor’s breast
And the harbor’s eyes.

Disappear.

Sometimes, I think about disappearing. not dying or committing suicide, no nothing like that, just simply vanishing for awhile. Like into thin air, without leaving a trace- something I recognize is nearly impossible in this day and age, what with all of the social media sites we use each day and that your credit card activities would be easily detected. Making someone far easier to find- far too easy to leave behind a footprint though digitally now.

Sometimes I think that might be nice. Just vanish for as long as I want, no consequences or worries. That would be impossible for my family and friends not to worry though. My mother worries about me crossing the street and getting hit by a car.

Your Life’s Purpose.

I know at some point or another everyone questions the meaning of life. Lately, that is what I find myself doing.

Sometimes I just really wonder, “Why am I here?”

Yes, I’m someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, and someone’s friend (although I am slowly finding out that I must use the term “friend” very sparingly). However, I haven’t really accomplished much in life. And I wonder if I ever will- I’ve certainly felt like I never will over the past few months more times than I ever wish to admit. Seriously, if I met my sixteen-year-old self today, she’d probably wonder why she’s such a loser.

And I do feel that way a lot.

I’m only a few years away from being 30, and I don’t feel like I have much to show for my life. Sometimes the only thing I think I do have is far too much debt from school- and what I paid for something I am not even sure I want to do anymore. Or that I’m even good at it.

Right now, I have no boyfriend, and no kids. If you’d asked me five or six years ago, I know I would have thought that I’d have a husband, two kids, and an actual career. Instead, I feel like I’m just floating. And I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone.

Sometimes I admit I get depressed about my life, because I feel like I don’t have a purpose in living. I know it’s dumb to want to do things just because of another person, but sometimes I wonder if I had a child or something if I would feel like I had a true purpose in life.

Whenever I think along these lines, I’m reminded of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where a guardian angel shows a suicidal man what his life really meant to those around him. I’m not sure I really know what my life would mean to someone else. One of the lines from that film which always sticks with me is: “You’re worth more dead than alive.” Sometimes that’s exactly how I feel- not that I’m worth very much either way, let’s be honest. The only asset I have is my car, and that’s from 2002.

I do wonder what the world would be like without me in it. Yes, I’ve had some suicidal thoughts over the past few months when I truly felt despondent over my life that I thought was meaningless and awful. But I couldn’t do that, I don’t think. I’ve been to too many funerals for young people in the past few years.

Maybe my life is meaningless, and maybe I don’t have any great purpose. I know I’m a good person, sometimes I feel stupid and sometimes I don’t do the right thing but I always try.

I’m still questioning what life’s purpose is- and maybe no one really has that answer. Perhaps we create out own purpose in life, and it’s not just up to fate.

Goals

I cannot change the past, but I will not be defined by my past. Instead, I will strive to keep moving forward and just do better. Those will be my goals for the long-term.

Housewife Quiz.

Which “Real Housewife” Are You?anigif_9e960dc1f26b8da6359e342f99cebef3-7

You got: Bethenny Frankel
It’s not hard to peg why you are one of the most likable characters in the franchise: You’re honest (even when it hurts), vulnerable (even when it’s hard), and extremely ambitious (even when odds were way stacked against you). No one is safe from your verbal ammunition, but you’re just trying to keep it 110% real.

Bravo / Via fromthemotionpicture.tumblr.com

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/which-real-housewives-housewife-are-you#.en0AAejZ8

Kind of surprised by this result, but I’d love to have her money and business success.