Your Life’s Purpose.

I know at some point or another everyone questions the meaning of life. Lately, that is what I find myself doing.

Sometimes I just really wonder, “Why am I here?”

Yes, I’m someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, and someone’s friend (although I am slowly finding out that I must use the term “friend” very sparingly). However, I haven’t really accomplished much in life. And I wonder if I ever will- I’ve certainly felt like I never will over the past few months more times than I ever wish to admit. Seriously, if I met my sixteen-year-old self today, she’d probably wonder why she’s such a loser.

And I do feel that way a lot.

I’m only a few years away from being 30, and I don’t feel like I have much to show for my life. Sometimes the only thing I think I do have is far too much debt from school- and what I paid for something I am not even sure I want to do anymore. Or that I’m even good at it.

Right now, I have no boyfriend, and no kids. If you’d asked me five or six years ago, I know I would have thought that I’d have a husband, two kids, and an actual career. Instead, I feel like I’m just floating. And I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I really belong anywhere, or with anyone.

Sometimes I admit I get depressed about my life, because I feel like I don’t have a purpose in living. I know it’s dumb to want to do things just because of another person, but sometimes I wonder if I had a child or something if I would feel like I had a true purpose in life.

Whenever I think along these lines, I’m reminded of the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life,” where a guardian angel shows a suicidal man what his life really meant to those around him. I’m not sure I really know what my life would mean to someone else. One of the lines from that film which always sticks with me is: “You’re worth more dead than alive.” Sometimes that’s exactly how I feel- not that I’m worth very much either way, let’s be honest. The only asset I have is my car, and that’s from 2002.

I do wonder what the world would be like without me in it. Yes, I’ve had some suicidal thoughts over the past few months when I truly felt despondent over my life that I thought was meaningless and awful. But I couldn’t do that, I don’t think. I’ve been to too many funerals for young people in the past few years.

Maybe my life is meaningless, and maybe I don’t have any great purpose. I know I’m a good person, sometimes I feel stupid and sometimes I don’t do the right thing but I always try.

I’m still questioning what life’s purpose is- and maybe no one really has that answer. Perhaps we create out own purpose in life, and it’s not just up to fate.

Goals

I cannot change the past, but I will not be defined by my past. Instead, I will strive to keep moving forward and just do better. Those will be my goals for the long-term.

Housewife Quiz.

Which “Real Housewife” Are You?anigif_9e960dc1f26b8da6359e342f99cebef3-7

You got: Bethenny Frankel
It’s not hard to peg why you are one of the most likable characters in the franchise: You’re honest (even when it hurts), vulnerable (even when it’s hard), and extremely ambitious (even when odds were way stacked against you). No one is safe from your verbal ammunition, but you’re just trying to keep it 110% real.

Bravo / Via fromthemotionpicture.tumblr.com

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tanyachen/which-real-housewives-housewife-are-you#.en0AAejZ8

Kind of surprised by this result, but I’d love to have her money and business success.

Carry On

Well I woke up to the sound of silence
And cries were cutting like knives in a fist fight
And I found you with a bottle of wine
Your head in the curtains
And heart like the Fourth of July

You swore and said,
“We are not,
We are not shining stars.”
This I know,
I never said we are

Though I’ve never been through hell like that
I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Carry on, carry on

So I met up with some friends at the edge of the night
At a bar off 75.
And we talked and talked about how our parents will die,
All our neighbours and wives.

But I like to think I can cheat it all
To make up for the times I’ve been cheated on.
And it’s nice to know when I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets,
I am not the ghost you are to me.

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Whoa!
My head is on fire but my legs are fine.
After all they are mine.
Lay your clothes down on the floor,
Close the door, hold the phone,
Show me how no one’s ever gonna stop us now.

‘Cause here we are
We are shining stars
We are invincible
We are who we are
On our darkest day
When we’re miles away
Sun will come
We will find our way home

If you’re lost and alone
Or you’re sinking like a stone.
Carry on.
May your past be the sound
Of your feet upon the ground.
Carry on.

Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh.
Oooh.

(No one’s ever gonna stop us now)
(No one’s ever, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop us now)
(No one’s ever, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop, no one’s ever gonna stop us now)

I don’t know where I belong

Sometimes, I don’t feel like I’ll ever belong anywhere. Ever since I was young, I’ve never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I had friends and participated in a lot of activities, but I was never really sure where I fit. I was always the outsider, in a lot of ways.

To this day, I still don’t really know where I fit- or if I’ll ever fit anywhere. There are people I’m comfortable with, and I’ve always been friendly, but never to the extent where I’ve bee like, “ok, this is it.” And whenever I have felt like I found “it” I was totally wrong. I just wish I knew where I belonged in life- I’m not sure I will ever find that exactly.

I’ve also felt like I’ve belonged with other people a few times in my life- only to be proven that I was wrong. I feel like my life is a constant struggle of either being really hopeful or of waiting for the shoe to drop.

I’m tired of always feeling that way. I’m tired of feeling completely anchor-less, and feeling like I;m just floating with no landing in sight.

What Goes Around Comes Around

I truly hate the c-word which is about the most disgusting thing you can ever call a woman. There are only three times I have ever used the word, and one time was to describe a woman that I have written about before. Mostly because it was appropriate.

I would like to devote this post to bullying and my experience with it. Bullying is, of course, highly prevalent in society today but most people fail to consider that bullying can occur long after we graduate high school. Bullying also extends to the work place, which is where I experienced my first serious case of bullying. I would not say I was bullied in high school beyond the normal petty things, which every young girl probably goes through at some point.

I guess bullying in the workplace occurs because the mean girls and bullies we meet in schools grow up and head into the real world. Unfortunately, some never evolve beyond their high school persona. To me, bullying doesn’t just mean a physical act against another, it also means being mean and cruel.

As I said in my last post, I came across a bully at my last job. That bully is an ugly person inside and out, and defines the c-word to me in so many ways. She is a true embarrassment to any woman who is in business and just a disgusting human being. Her true colors for me were revealed in time, and I have cut that bully/c-word out of my life and will never associate with her again.

Sadly, I think bullying is rarely addressed in the workplace. It should be, though. My experience with this type of bullying occurred several times last year and was group bullying. I bought into that at first because I was hanging around with the bully I spoke about before: let’s call her Wannabe Kat Von D (WVD for short) since she went for a tattooed, pierced look except her tattoos were uglier, and looked like someone drew them with a Crayola marker. However, she didn’t have Kat Von D’s money, since her wardrobe probably came from a store called Cheap and Tacky.

There was a girl that neither of us liked and WVD would feed me negative information about the other girl so I’d like her less. Lesson learned: if someone has no problem talking trash to you about someone else, they will have no problem speaking about you like that to others. Months later, WVD began to talk trash, and encourage others to follow her lead against another person. Unfortunately, I was now the one she was speaking about. I saw several negative things written about me on social media and I knew she was speaking about me behind my back when she wasn’t hiding behind a screen. She wasn’t even smart enough to pretend she wasn’t.

WVD also said nasty things to my face. Calling me stupid and insinuating that I should check myself into a hospital for a mental and eating disorder (btw, I don’t have either of those perhaps she does) is not only unnecessary, it’s WRONG. Would it be okay for someone to speak to your daughter like that? I don’t think so. Therefore, it’s not okay for you to speak like that to someone else.

Oh, and something she said that REALLY makes me laugh was that I thought I could do whatever I want. Uh, clearly, I don’t think that. Because if I really thought I could do whatever I wanted she would have walked out of that room with a broken jaw and a bloody nose courtesy of my fist.

She underestimated my intelligence and thought I couldn’t see what she was doing though I’d seen the same vicious behavior from her when it was directed towards someone else. I knew exactly what she was doing and I was well aware that something was going to happen. She was someone who makes you think she has your back when all she’s looking to do is stab you in it.

And when something did happen, for all the sh*t she had to say behind my back about me, she just sat there smirking, not saying a word. In other words, being the punk she always was.

This kind of workplace bullying impacted me in so many ways. I hated being there, hated the negativity that was in the air, and, above all, I hated that I felt like I was back in high school. I was so tired of dealing with that high school nonsense that I was at my breaking point. I gave up out of misery, and the fact that I did not get much support from anyone there. You need to be given respect in order to get it, and I didn’t have much respect for anyone there because of how I was treated.

Although I hated that I let someone as worthless as WVD get to me, I was actually quite happy to walk out of dysfunction junction. That place was full of people like WVD, which is probably why she fits in there so well. I don’t need to be around mean or cruel people who don’t give a crap about me, nor do I need to be made to feel like I’m back in high school in what was supposed to be a professional environment. (Ha. Least professional environment I had ever been in!) I graduated high school long ago, but apparently some people never get past high school mentally.

Obviously, I am not innocent of such behavior either. However, I know my faults and truly regret ever buying into that mob mentality even though it was the norm at that place. It’s truly humiliating to admit now that I was part of such a dynamic since I am not a bully or mean person, but sadly I became one in this case by following WVD. I’m a far better person than that and it will never happen again.

That’s not to say I did not also meet some good people at that awful place. However, of the people I met there, there are only three I really wish to keep in touch with. And ironically, none of those three are people that I was close with at the time. Those people were never bullies nor were they ever mean to anyone.

Those are the people I’d rather be around today. Not bully WVD, who is about as far as she will ever get in life. Today, I could care less what that person thinks of me, nor do I really even care what becomes of her. I like to think bullies usually get what’s coming to them, but you never know. People like WVD forget: what goes around comes around!