It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish It’s not how you go, it’s how you land A hundred to one shot, you call him a clutz Can out run the favorite, all he needs is the guts Your final return will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish And you’re gonna finish on top If you start at the top, you’re certain to drop You’ve got to watch your timing, better begin by climbing Up, up, up the ladder If you’re going to last, you can’t make it fast, man Nobody starts a winner, give me a slow beginner Easy does it my friend, conserve your fine endurance Easy does it my friend, for that’s your life insurance While you are young, take it rung after rung after rung after rung after rung after rung after rung after rung It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish, It’s not how you go, it’s how you land A hundred to one shot, you call him a clutz Can out run the favorite, all he needs is the guts Your final return will not diminish And you can be the cream of the crop It’s not where you start, it’s where you finish And you’re gonna finish on top!
So there is something that I have kept just to myself for a few months now, mostly because I thought it was crazy. But now I’m wondering: is anything in life really crazy or so far-fetched? Some things are not.
Just before my birthday, I had a sort of a vision: that my last birthday really would be just that- my last. I’m not sure why and I don’t know if that will really happen.
Or how it would if it actually does.
What bothers me most is if this vision somehow becomes true, I will have accomplished nothing and left no impact on the world before I left it.
Late, late yestreen I saw the new Moon,
With the old Moon in her arms;
And I fear, I fear, my Master dear!
We shall have a deadly storm.
(Ballad of Sir Patrick Spence)
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”
This scripture is helpful, since sometimes I do feel lonely and doubtful that I will ever meet someone I will truly want to commit to. I am reminded to continue to wait upon God for he is the one who will strengthen me and never leave me.
Some of this applies to the workplace, others to general old real life:
1. I never want to have a boyfriend again who outweighs me by 100 pounds (sorry, I know that’s shallow, but it’s uncomfortable to have sex with someone that big.)
2. I never want to have a boyfriend again who outweighs me by 100 pounds but tells me I could afford to lose a few.
3. I never want to date anyone again who insults my intelligence.
4. I never want to date anyone again with the emotional maturity of a 15-year-old.
5. Never want to date a drunk again. (I’ve had my fair share of those.)
6. I never want to work with a group of extremely immature and unprofessional people again. (Though I doubt that will ever really happen.)
7. I never want to have a “friend” who calls me stupid and verbally berates me and then claims to still be a friend.
8. I never want to have a “boss” who wears a shirt that says “whore” on it. #TRASH #TrailerPark #TellsYouAllYouNeedtoKnowAboutHer #YourKidIsUglyAndWillBeTrashLikeU
9. I never want to have a “friend” who tells me all about the gay sex he’s had with 10 million different guys each week. #UGH #SeriouslyAreTheGuysYouDoBlind? #STDAlert #UrNotGoodLooking #HowDoYouEVENGetLaidToBeginWith????
10. Don’t want to be around someone who acts one way to my face and then tweets crap about me (again, don’t completely expect that to happen.) #DoYouThinkICantSeeThat #YoureDumb #MayBeWeirdButYourFat #DontNeedUrOpinions
11. I really don’t ever want to work around perverts (or overgrown frat boys looking to bone the younger girls) again. #DONOTTOUCHMYSHOULDERS #HandsOff #SERIOUSLY #Gross
12. I do not want to deal with excessive immaturity. #TalkingS**t
13. I don’t want to be hurt by people again (again, totally expecting I will somehow, some way). #Sucks
14. Dealing with idiots (again, no can do I’m sure) #SoTired
15. I don’t want to feel defeated again #SoIWon’t.
It always sucks to hear that your ex is getting married- and while you’re still nowhere near marriage or even living with anyone.
I know that my ex-boyfriend from college is getting married, and while I have not had romantic feelings of any kind for him in years (actually, I don’t really think of him any way, except with general indifference) it still is kind of painful to hear. I don’t know why that is.
This is the same guy after all, who broke up with me in a text message after nearly five years together. He also refused to even speak about moving to New York, where I grew up, and insisted that we live in his parent’s attic in Boston rather than actually on our own. So weird, right? But he did whatever his mother said to do- and he was not allowed to move out of state because mommy did not approve and wanted to have control over everything in his life, including who he dated/married.
It’s like that scene from “When Harry Met Sally” where Meg Ryan’s character gets a phone call that her ex is getting married. She did not want him, nor was she in love with him anymore, but at the same time that news was still painful to receive. I guess that is how it is with me.
I don’t want the guy. Haven’t for years. I’ve been with much better-looking guys in the years since we broke up and had much better lovers since then too… haha. Still, when I’m nowhere near getting married or dating anyone hearing that just seems like a minor blow.
In the past two years, I’ve kind of written off ever getting married or even being serious with someone again. I have some serious trust issues, especially with men. I haven’t met anyone I am even interested in. I dated my last ex boyfriend for nearly three years, and though I don’t think I was ever head over heels in love with him now, I did think that was going to be more serious. However, he like my other ex did not ever want to move on with his life- or maybe he just did not want to spend it with me.
I’ve always thought that there were things wrong with me. Like maybe I have some sort of personality disorder, or something that made me fail at relationships. Now I just think I’m sort of normal. Who doesn’t have issues in relationships? Every single woman in the world is looking for the same thing.
I’m just not sure I will find it ever.
Nothing Gold Can Stay By: Robert Frost
Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf,
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day
Nothing gold can stay.